Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter

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 A good friend of mine has finally taken the plunge, he has abandoned Microsoft and gone over to Apple. He purchased iPhones and iPads for himself and his wife, a MacBook Air, a 27” iMac plus assorted peripherals. All this was purchased on line and delivered to his door. Then he called me to ask me to help set it up, but first he wanted to pay his first ever visit to an Apple store. And as good od Dante wrote about the gates of hel “Abandon hope all ye who enter”

Some say a friend in need is a friend indeed, but as I am the archetypal cynic I say a friend in need is a bloody nuisance. But as I had been down a similar road I said I would help him, even if it meant visiting the dreaded Apple store at our local shopping centre.

He  needed to purchase some software but he also had a faulty power lead to exchange. Now to set the scene, my mate does not know his iCloud from his iTunes, so he is let’s say an Apple virgin.

We arrived at the shopping centre and I braced myself as I avoid the Apple store like the plague. I considered chanting one of my wife’s relaxation mantras to myself but baulked at that. Maybe a couple of my mother in law’s anti-depressants may have helped but I did not need those, or did i? On entering the shop we pushed our way through the masses and were soon accosted by some acned youth how proceeded to say to me “Wassup dude?”. Instantly I forgot my thoughts of tranquillity and peace and barked at him “It’s Sir or Mr Keating to you pal”. My Liverpool accent coming to the fore. The Apple child visibly shrank and before he could retort I barked “get me one of your bloody geniuses from your genius bar now, and I don’t have an appointment and don’t keep me waiting”. He moved with speed to the rear counter and dragged the genius over. The kid proceeded to discuss the return of the power cord with the Apple child and completely ignored myself and friend in tow. I could feel the red mist descending over my eyes. But before I could launch another salvo he disappeared into the rear of the shop and in second came bake with the replacement lead.

The software purchase was simple as I scanned the boxes with my iPhone and paid via my Apple id. Easy because no children from Apple were involved. My mate then wanted to get an Apple Ultimate, Express and apple TV plus HDMI connectors and leads. So we headed to Dick Smiths, where we were not treated like senile buffers, the staff friendly and human and guess what, it was cheaper to get the gear there.

Now for the easy part, setting it up all this hardware  at his house. In Apple’s defence, wireless networks, file sharing, email sync, the whole set up is easy and quick.  Especially when there are no Apple children on the scene.

That was two days ago, but the next instalment is to try to explain to my mate the Apple virgin about iCloud, iTunes, Apple IDs and iPhoto. I think for tonight’s visit to my friend’s place I will raid my wife’s meditation tapes and help myself to a handful  of the mother in law’s Zoloft.

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